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1. Celebrity donation – John Mayer flexed his humanitarian muscles and donated $500,000 to the American Red Cross, along with his ditty “The Heart of Life,” which will be used in a spot that supports Haiti relief efforts.

2. Jesus dumps Madonna – Surprisingly, Luz was the one who walked away from Madge, who is 28 years older than the Brazilian DJ/model, due to the enormous age gap between them and their lack of common interests. Or, maybe the super-hottie thought about it for 15 seconds and realized that, in the Bible, Madonna is Jesus’ mother. And that’s just kinda weird.

3. Fall Out Boy disbands – Pete Wentz confirmed this not-so-shocking, nor disappointing, news on his blog earlier this week. Maybe now that he’ll be touring less, he can be Mr. Mom and let his wildly talented wife, Ashley, have a shot at superstardom. Perhaps motherhood has improved her chops?

4. Lady Gaga gets inked – Gaga honored her fans, whom she lovingly calls her “Little Monsters,” by getting the moniker tattooed onto the arm she uses to hold her mic. Precious.

5. JWOWW quits smoking – Which means she’ll probably live longer, which means _____________.

6. American Psycho on Broadway – Brett Easton Ellis’ serial-killer classic will soon hit the stage. The book was difficult to swallow and seeing it in moving pictures was even harder to digest. Witnessing the lead characters’ horrific murders unfold on stage and set to (presumably) creepy music sends shivers down our spines.