I’m an attractive, 22 year-old guy who is suffering from a severe case of the “you’re too nice” syndrome. If I approach chicks – at a bar, the library, wherever – they usually seem at ease with me and will often engage in conversation. They don’t think I’m some smarmy dude looking to bone them. But when I muster the balls to ask for a number, I always get the “I think we’d be better as friends” line or the girl says that she’s actually just leaving to meet her boyfriend and bolts.

If respecting women, smiling and nodding to show them I’m listening, and opening doors for them is “too nice” then we live in a really effed up world. Matt Damon seems “nice” and he gets laid. Why can’t I?

Help me, please!

Andrew

Andrew, darling,

It’s nice to be nice, but when a guy is too nice, it’s a turn-off for many women.

You’re right – Matt Damon seems like a very nice guy: he uses his celebrity to do charity work, he married a natural, non-Hollywood-type beauty, and he cares about his country’s politics. But the key to his success as a stud is that he’s not too nice. He’s got a sexy, confident swagger and his acting career proves that he’s nobody’s wimp. He seems like the type of guy who would gracefully sweep a gal off her feet and then show her his bedroom throw-down all night long. He can portray himself as a good guy, while still exuding megawatt sex appeal.

Women want a man, not a doormat. And when a guy seems too nice, most women’s internal red flags start flapping as wildly as Joan Rivers’ lips on the red carpet at the Oscars. We want respect, we want to be heard and understood (typical nice-guy behavior), but most of us want our partners to exude airs of confidence and sexual prowess. We want to feel safe around our man, like he would protect us from any dangers that might cross our paths.

I’m not saying that you won’t succeed unless you’re a typical alpha-male, or that you don’t posses any elements of this quality. I’m just saying that if there’s more to you than just being nice (and I’m positive there is), you might be more successful on the dating scene if you show glimmers of this manly ‘tude the next time you chat up a girl, while still showing her that you’re actually a decent guy, too. Blow her mind and prove that you are the embodiment of the desired nice-guy meets warrior.

Good luck!

Susie

Add more photos: It’s totally FREE to add more photos to your HOT or NOT profile! You might look entirely different from one shot to the next and adding more pictures lets people see more aspects of your personality, style, and lifestyle. For example, are you outdoors a lot, or always hanging out at a pub, or constantly snapping shots of yourself while pumping iron?

Beef up your intro: There’s nothing lamer than a profile intro that says “I’ll fill this in later,” or “I have nothing to say.” These intros send a strong message that the user is not serious about meeting people on the site, or sharing things about his/her life, interests, or personality. It might also be interpreted as complacency, or laziness – probably not the message you want to broadcast if you’re actually on the site to meet people.

By popular request, we have recently extended the length of the intros. So, those users who wish to keep things short and sweet (but still captivating!), can certainly do so, while long-winded users now have the freedom to express themselves, without feeling constrained by a 500-word limit.

Poke someone you think is hot: Poking someone is fun, simple, and – best of all – FREE! Poking one of your Double-Matches is a good way to let someone know that you like their profile. If you’re a bit shy, this is a great way to get someone’s attention – even better if you can follow it up with a message.

Send a FREE note to someone: It’s totally FREE for a Basic member to contact a Star Member, since only one person needs to have a paid account to correspond through our messaging feature. But, if you’ve seen a profile of someone you just can’t resist and you’re both Basic members, you can still let them know you think they’re groovy by clicking on the “Send Note” link below their profile picture on your Double-Matches page. One of you will need to purchase a Star Membership if you want the correspondence to continue beyond the initial note (and hopefully you do!), but it’s still a great way to say something nice to someone without spending a dime.

Just Say “Yes”: You’ll increase your chances of getting more Double-Matches if you click “Yes” to lots of profiles in the Meet People section. Obviously, not everyone can be your soul mate, but you can still use HOT or NOT to make new friendships and connections. And remember, just because you said “Yes” to someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean that s/he will accept your request; so, clicking “Yes” to lots of people increases your odds, since you may only have success with a couple of them.

HoN Tip: Our new search feature makes it easier for people to meet local singles and find love. Just enter your city or zip code in the location field and select a distance (50 miles, 500 miles, etc.) from the drop-down menu. You can also mix things up and browse profiles from all around the world by entering “Everywhere” instead of a location. This way, you might see a profile from Sydney, one from Johannesburg, and one from San Francisco, all in the same search results.

Send messages to your Half-Matches: So, you’ve clicked “Yes” to a stellar hottie and your profile will now end up in his/her Half-Matches page (where it will anxiously await reciprocity). Why not stand out and send the person a Half-Match message? These are short (250 characters, max) messages that give you an opportunity to let a girl know that she’s caught your attention. But don’t cop out and send the same message to everyone: send personalized messages that let the recipient know who you are and why you are interested in his/her profile. Sure, you’ve got the looks, but people want to get a sense of someone’s personality as well, and this is your chance to let your individuality shine. Make note of her style, or his stunning eyes, or the keywords you both have in common – let that user know that you’ve noticed something unique about him/her and avoid simply pointing out the fact that she’s super-hot, or he’s got tight abs. Be genuine, not generic.

Send a virtual gift: All Star Memberships include a Star Gift Pack, rammed with a variety of e-flowers that you can send to your sweetie. The web version of a tulip might not smell as sweet as the real thing, but it’s still a nice gesture that lets someone know you think s/he’s pretty special.

Stay in touch with your Double-Matches: Once someone has accepted your meet request, you’ll become Double-Matches. Yay! From here, you can start getting to know each other by sending longer messages through our messaging feature. Unlimited messaging is included in all Star Memberships, but, again, be sure to make each message unique and point out some specifics that you liked about his or her profile or pictures. Remember that if you’re a Basic (FREE) member, you can still email your Double-Matches, as long as the other person is a Star Member.

HoN Tip: Don’t include your personal email address in the first message. This is typical spam behavior (you don’t want someone to think you’re a fake!) and people usually like to get to know their Double-Matches on our site before corresponding through their personal email accounts.

Good luck!

• Picnic. It’s classic, simple, and can work in a variety of settings, from a park, to the beach, to a rooftop. If you can get creative with the food that’s already in your fridge and pick your lady some wild flowers instead of splurging on a bouquet from the store, you’ll have a romantic date and your wallet will be untouched.
• Check local listings for things like free movie screenings or festivals and events that may be taking place in the city. There’s nothing like walking the streets in good weather and people-watching to talk and enjoy each others’ company.

• Weather-permitting, head to the beach or pool for a swim. Ok, let’s not beat around the bush. The real motive for this one is that you’ll get to see your date in her bikini. Enough said. Bring along a kite, if you’re feeling extra whimsical.
• Many museums have designated times when admission is free. Check the websites of your local museums to see if there are admission-free days and surprise your date with a visit to the new Postmodernism exhibit (plus, you’ll totally score points by showing off how cultured you are).
• Cook dinner together. Aside from being a great activity for getting to know each other, if you can cook dinner with staples that are already sure to be in your kitchen (pasta and vegetables that will inevitably go bad in a few days if you don’t use them). You get to whip up a free meal, impress your date with your improvisational cooking skills, and rescue those veggies from a fate of rotting away at the bottom of your fridge.
• Go for a hike – nothing too hardcore that requires anything more than a good pair of sneakers (maybe we should call it a “stroll in the woods” instead). Enjoy nature, and get some fresh air and exercise.
• If it’s already dark out and you’re looking for something to do, grab a blanket and head to the nearest field for some stargazing. Apart from being completely romantic, it’s also completely free, and some intimate conversations are bound to arise.
• Have a quiet night in. There’s no shortage of activities you can do at home for absolutely zero dollars. Watch a DVD, play video games, play board games, or channel your inner kid and build a fort out of pillows (great for making out in). Just because you’re chilling out doesn’t mean you can’t make a great, free date of it.

Can you add any other favorite freebie date ideas?

• Picnic. It’s classic, simple, and can work in a variety of settings, from a park, to the beach, to a rooftop. If you can get creative with the food that’s already in your fridge and pick your lady some wild flowers instead of splurging on a bouquet from the store, you’ll have a romantic date and your wallet will be untouched.
• Check local listings for things like free movie screenings or festivals and events that may be taking place in the city. There’s nothing like walking the streets in good weather and people-watching to talk and enjoy each others’ company.

• Weather-permitting, head to the beach or pool for a swim. Ok, let’s not beat around the bush. The real motive for this one is that you’ll get to see your date in her bikini. Enough said. Bring along a kite, if you’re feeling extra whimsical.
• Many museums have designated times when admission is free. Check the websites of your local museums to see if there are admission-free days and surprise your date with a visit to the new Postmodernism exhibit (plus, you’ll totally score points by showing off how cultured you are).
• Cook dinner together. Aside from being a great activity for getting to know each other, if you can cook dinner with staples that are already sure to be in your kitchen (pasta and vegetables that will inevitably go bad in a few days if you don’t use them). You get to whip up a free meal, impress your date with your improvisational cooking skills, and rescue those veggies from a fate of rotting away at the bottom of your fridge.
• Go for a hike – nothing too hardcore that requires anything more than a good pair of sneakers (maybe we should call it a “stroll in the woods” instead). Enjoy nature, and get some fresh air and exercise.
• If it’s already dark out and you’re looking for something to do, grab a blanket and head to the nearest field for some stargazing. Apart from being completely romantic, it’s also completely free, and some intimate conversations are bound to arise.
• Have a quiet night in. There’s no shortage of activities you can do at home for absolutely zero dollars. Watch a DVD, play video games, play board games, or channel your inner kid and build a fort out of pillows (great for making out in). Just because you’re chilling out doesn’t mean you can’t make a great, free date of it.

Can you add any other favorite freebie date ideas?

• This should go without saying, but don’t scrimp on dolling yourself up. Looking good will help you feel good about yourself, and that confidence boost is sure to translate into a more enjoyable and relaxed first date. Of course, if this guy already knows that you’re a HOT or NOT 10, then you’ve got nothing to worry about.
• Ladies, you may be nervous, but you need to cool it with the 3^rd degree. This is a casual date, not a job interview. Put aside your list of questions (because does it really matter yet where he sees himself ten years from now?), relax, and he’ll get a much more accurate idea of what you’re about.
• Whether or not you’re the most die-hard believer in astrology, forget the fact that you’re a Taurus and he’s an Aquarius and that you two are meant to be. To be safe, you’re best off not talking signs. Guys tend to think it’s a bit nutty.
• Never tell your date how much you like him. There’s no better way to scare them off (except maybe talking about your exes and delving into past relationships).
• Monitor your alcohol intake. There’s nothing like a little social lubricant to ease things along on the first date, but if you know you’re a light-weight, things could take a disastrous turn if you overdo it with the vodka tonics. Just keep your eye on it, that’s all we’re sayin’.
• At the end of the night, no matter how well the date goes and how much tension there is, don’t invite him over, and don’t accept any invitations to his place, because we know how things will end. Kiss him on the cheek and book it for home! You’re looking to building a lasting relationship (unless, you know, you’re not – then you have our blessing to tap that).

Now that you’ve read this refresher, you’re going to knock that man out and leave him wanting more after date one. Hopefully he’s brushed up on his first date don’ts. Do you ladies have any other first date tips to share? Leave a comment!

• This should go without saying, but don’t scrimp on dolling yourself up. Looking good will help you feel good about yourself, and that confidence boost is sure to translate into a more enjoyable and relaxed first date. Of course, if this guy already knows that you’re a HOT or NOT 10, then you’ve got nothing to worry about.
• Ladies, you may be nervous, but you need to cool it with the 3^rd degree. This is a casual date, not a job interview. Put aside your list of questions (because does it really matter yet where he sees himself ten years from now?), relax, and he’ll get a much more accurate idea of what you’re about.
• Whether or not you’re the most die-hard believer in astrology, forget the fact that you’re a Taurus and he’s an Aquarius and that you two are meant to be. To be safe, you’re best off not talking signs. Guys tend to think it’s a bit nutty.
• Never tell your date how much you like him. There’s no better way to scare them off (except maybe talking about your exes and delving into past relationships).
• Monitor your alcohol intake. There’s nothing like a little social lubricant to ease things along on the first date, but if you know you’re a light-weight, things could take a disastrous turn if you overdo it with the vodka tonics. Just keep your eye on it, that’s all we’re sayin’.
• At the end of the night, no matter how well the date goes and how much tension there is, don’t invite him over, and don’t accept any invitations to his place, because we know how things will end. Kiss him on the cheek and book it for home! You’re looking to building a lasting relationship (unless, you know, you’re not – then you have our blessing to tap that).

Now that you’ve read this refresher, you’re going to knock that man out and leave him wanting more after date one. Hopefully he’s brushed up on his first date don’ts. Do you ladies have any other first date tips to share? Leave a comment!

Even though you can feel that you two will hit it off without a hitch, you want to be sure things will go smoothly and review some first-date etiquette. So, how about a handy list of things to avoid on a first date to increase your chances of impressing that lady? Here are some no-brainers:

• Be yourself. Seems obvious enough, but if your date says she loves shaking her booty to Lady Gaga at the club and you despise the club scene, you’re only digging your own grave if you claim that the club is your hang-out every Saturday night (and that “Poker Face” is your jam) just for the sake of impressing her. Next thing you know, she’ll be pulling you onto the dance floor on the unforeseen Part 2 of your date.

• Confidence is key. It’s okay to be a little self-deprecating for a laugh, but if you don’t think you’re good enough, then why is your date supposed to?

• You’ve learned some standard personal grooming and hygiene skills over the years. Put them to good use.
• Keep the conversation light. Unless you’ve already gotten very personal, you’re best off sticking to airy topics such as likes, dislikes, and hobbies. Spilling your guts about your anxieties or traumatic past experiences is a sure way to scare a girl off. All of that will come in good time.
• Don’t only talk about yourself. Focus your attention on your date.
• In a similar vein, this one should go without saying – never talk about your exes! Nothing will make a girl more uncomfortable than feeling like she’s being compared to an old flame.
• Use good manners. Self-explanatory. All girls watch for it, and manners will score you points in her eyes.
• This may sound old fashioned, but gentlemen, be prepared to pay for the date! No matter who asked whom out, it’s a classy move. However, we do live in a progressive society, so if the lady insists on paying her way, or even for everything if she instigated the date, then let her do so. Still, be sure that you at least offer.

Hopefully these hints get you off to a good start, but here’s the ultimate “don’t” to keep in mind: don’t do or say anything that isn’t genuine just to impress a girl, because it could very well turn into a bad date experience for you (like when she suggests bungee jumping as a plan for next weekend). If the chemistry you felt while chatting online is there in person, just be yourself and you’ll be golden.

Ladies, don’t think you’re off the hook – a specialized list of “don’ts” is coming at you.

Have you ever been turned off by your date’s behavior the first time you go out? Leave your essential first date don’ts in the comments!

Even though you can feel that you two will hit it off without a hitch, you want to be sure things will go smoothly and review some first-date etiquette. So, how about a handy list of things to avoid on a first date to increase your chances of impressing that lady? Here are some no-brainers:

• Be yourself. Seems obvious enough, but if your date says she loves shaking her booty to Lady Gaga at the club and you despise the club scene, you’re only digging your own grave if you claim that the club is your hang-out every Saturday night (and that “Poker Face” is your jam) just for the sake of impressing her. Next thing you know, she’ll be pulling you onto the dance floor on the unforeseen Part 2 of your date.

• Confidence is key. It’s okay to be a little self-deprecating for a laugh, but if you don’t think you’re good enough, then why is your date supposed to?

• You’ve learned some standard personal grooming and hygiene skills over the years. Put them to good use.
• Keep the conversation light. Unless you’ve already gotten very personal, you’re best off sticking to airy topics such as likes, dislikes, and hobbies. Spilling your guts about your anxieties or traumatic past experiences is a sure way to scare a girl off. All of that will come in good time.
• Don’t only talk about yourself. Focus your attention on your date.
• In a similar vein, this one should go without saying – never talk about your exes! Nothing will make a girl more uncomfortable than feeling like she’s being compared to an old flame.
• Use good manners. Self-explanatory. All girls watch for it, and manners will score you points in her eyes.
• This may sound old fashioned, but gentlemen, be prepared to pay for the date! No matter who asked whom out, it’s a classy move. However, we do live in a progressive society, so if the lady insists on paying her way, or even for everything if she instigated the date, then let her do so. Still, be sure that you at least offer.

Hopefully these hints get you off to a good start, but here’s the ultimate “don’t” to keep in mind: don’t do or say anything that isn’t genuine just to impress a girl, because it could very well turn into a bad date experience for you (like when she suggests bungee jumping as a plan for next weekend). If the chemistry you felt while chatting online is there in person, just be yourself and you’ll be golden.

Ladies, don’t think you’re off the hook – a specialized list of “don’ts” is coming at you.

Have you ever been turned off by your date’s behavior the first time you go out? Leave your essential first date don’ts in the comments!

FACEBOOK APP HOTTER THEN EVER!

Great news! (and it’s about time …) We’ve TOTALLY redesigned the HOT or NOT App!

Improved graphics. Improved search. Totally new look. Now, you can rate and meet hotties on Facebook as easy as 1,2,3.

Check it out now and then invite your friends to join in all the fun too.

Enjoy. Have fun.

The HOT or NOT Team