True Story: Don’t Drive and Suck!
By Katie on 24 May 2011 | No Comments
I will never forget Christy. We met in high school and dated all through college and probably could have spent our entire lives together. It was only after a 
slightly humiliating experience that we started to have problems in our relationship which led to our eventual break up. I studied psychology in school and I know that after such a traumatic event, the chance of Christy and me breaking up skyrocketed.
We’d been dating for almost five years when “all the evil happened”. After a long dry sex spell, we had rekindled our passion and were humping like rabid squirrels. There was nothing that could stand in our way once the hormones started to surge. The night it all went wrong should have been the best night of our lives.
Our friends were throwing a massive graduation party and Christy got wasted. She just found out she was accepted into her top choice for medical school and I told her she deserved to celebrate. I would be the dreaded designated driver. There wasn’t a surface she didn’t try to climb up and dance on. Couches, chairs, tables and even a piano were grinded on by Christy throughout the night and after a few hours of trying to repress an erection from watching her, I finally convinced her it was time to go.
We got in my car and she proceeded to grind against the seat and mocked giving a blow job to the parking break. Enough is enough, I thought. “Why don’t you put that mouth to good use and suck on something that will actually enjoy it,” I said.
Christy screeched in delight and immediately started unzipping my pants. A quick glance towards the empty highway calmed any potential fears I might have had though looking back we both should have kept our mouths shut that night.
All rational thought was dissolved as Christy took every inch of me in her mouth. She was the only girl that had ever done this to me so I really had nothing to compare it to but I swear she was some kind of prodigy. There’s no way anyone could do any better at this. I moaned and groaned and started to get distracted by the intense pleasure.
After about ten minutes I knew I was getting close to orgasm and let Christy know. I decided to pull over so that the only thing exploding would be my dick and not the gas truck up ahead. I closed my eyes and leaned back while Christy led me to ecstasy.
Suddenly a loud tapping noise broke me of my trance. Someone was at the window. I tried to lure Christy away from my dick but it was too late. I ejaculated all over her mouth and myself. “Get out of your vehicle slowly and with your hands in the air,” a booming voice at the window yelled.
I won’t go into the gory details of the next several minutes as it involved us being arrested with cum all over Christy’s mortified face and the remainder dribbled down my bare legs while my pants hung around my ankles. Christy’s mug shot was later posted all over the internet and we both had to make a statement in front of a judge.
We tried to make our relationship work after that but it was all just too much for Christy. I heard she moved to Canada and became a nun. To this day every time I drive by our “spot” on the highway, my penis winks and smiles…
Les, 28, Pittsburgh, PA
Friday Night Date: Worst Pick Up Lines (And Feisty Comebacks!) Part 4
By jackie on 20 May 2011 | No Comments
Alright, hotties it’s that time again! In the brilliant words of Rebecca Black, “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.” Did I just get that song stuck in 
your head? Sorry about that. If you are planning to hit the clubs this weekend and are bracing yourself for the drunken party goers throwing pick-up lines your way, we are here to help! We present to you our Top 10 Worst Pick Up Lines (With Feisty Comebacks!) Part 4!
THEM: “Did it hurt when you fell out of Heaven?”
YOU: “Nowhere near as bad as your fall to Planet Rejection will.”
THEM: “You must clean your clothes with Windex because I can see myself in your pants.”
YOU: “No, but you may want to invest in some Windex yourself since your view is seriously cloudy.”
THEM: “It’s your lucky day! Out of all the girls in this room, I picked you to talk to!”
YOU: “Wow what a coincidence! It’s your lucky day too! Out of all the ways I could humiliate you right now, I’m simply going to walk away.”
THEM: “Help the homeless by taking me home with you.”
YOU: “I don’t bring home strays that appear to have rabies. The pound might take you.”
THEM: “You might as well sleep with me, I’m going to tell my friends you did anyway.”
YOU: “I wonder who will be more embarrassed – me for sleeping with a loser like you or you, after I tell everyone you gave me herpes?”
THEM: “Take me to where you cry at night. I want to experience your pain and turn it into pleasure.”
YOU: “Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up the only person you are going home with.”
THEM: “Hey, you could do worse, I still have a pulse. Wait… Wait… Yep, still there.”
YOU: “I really would love to screw your brains out but clearly someone has already beaten me to it.”
THEM: “Hi, my name is Doug. That’s ‘God’ spelled backwards with a little bit of YOU wrapped up in it.”
YOU: “So what you’re saying is, out of 100,000 sperm you were the fastest?!”
THEM: “Wanna play train? I can sit on your face and you can CHEW CHEW.”
YOU: “Sorry, I’ll be “getting off” at the next station.”
We always love to hear your best and worst dating stories! What’s the worst pick up line you’ve ever heard? How do you respond?
True Story: Fun With Foods!
By Katie on 10 May 2011 | 1 Comment
I am writing this story from a bed at the hospital following the most horrifying night of my entire life. As humiliating as it was, I had to write it down this 
moment so that I would never forget every sordid detail.
My boyfriend Indy and I have been together almost six months. We lost our virginity to one another exactly a month ago and we decided to celebrate our one month “Sex-iversary” by experimenting with different sex positions and maybe incorporating some toys into the bedroom. Each of us had to come up with one fantasy we wanted to act out and we had to do it that night, no matter what.
Mine was pretty simple. I wanted to be tied up and blindfolded while Indy did whatever he wanted with me. This went over very well and a couple hours later, we were both exhausted and panting. After a quick shower and snack we headed back to the bedroom to act out Indy’s ultimate fantasy.
As I watched him pull out assorted fruits and vegetables, I began to worry just a little. There was a strawberry, a carrot, a banana, and finally, a gigantic cucumber. I looked at Indy and he grinned. I took a deep breath and said, “Alright, let’s do this”.
He started with the strawberry and it felt cold. According to Indy, the carrot made me taste “weird” down there so we scrapped that fast. Next came the banana and I have to admit, it felt pretty good. I was starting to get pretty turned on so I encouraged Indy to put a condom on that cucumber and go for it. At first it hurt but soon it turned into pure pleasure.
I kept telling Indy to shove it in further and he would express concern that it would hurt me. I scoffed and told him to be a man and put the whole thing in there.
With hands shaking, lips trembling and a single bead of sweat dripping down his forehead, Indy slowly pushed the cucumber all the way inside me and all of a sudden, I felt like someone had just shoved a football up me.
“Oh crap, I think it slid all the way in and um, I can’t see it,” Indy said. I screeched and jumped off the bed. I stood with my legs spread apart, grimacing in pain and wondered how to push something out of my vagina. The fear took over and I began to hyperventilate imagining myself giving birth to cucumbers for the rest of my life.
Indy panicked and called 911. We rode to the hospital as I quietly wept in shame and Indy asked the paramedics if he could go to jail for this. I don’t remember very much after that as they heavily doped me up to remove the cucumber. They asked if we wanted to keep it as a souvenir but we politely declined.
Fortunately, there was no permanent damage and Indy’s on his way to pick me up right now and take me home to rest. Actually, he’s walking in right now and is that a zucchini the size of my head he’s holding?! Oh dear, this can’t be good…
Katarina, 21, Miami, FL
Friday Night Date: Top 10 Spring Date Ideas!
By jackie on 6 May 2011 | No Comments
Finally it’s starting to feel a little bit like spring out there! The birds and bees are out there doing it and we think you should be, too. The picnic and 
leisurely bike ride thing is overdone and such a cliché. If you really want to get the most action this spring, you need to think outside the box! We’ve compiled the Top 10 Spring Date Ideas that are sure to impress your latest crush or rekindle the passion with a longtime lover.
1. Set your alarm to get you up in the middle of the night, drive to the beach and wait for the sun to rise. Bring breakfast and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
2. Play Hide and Seek at Walmart. Advise shoppers passing by to pretend they didn’t see you and to never speak of this to anyone.
3. Go to the airport, find the cheapest flight to anywhere and stay there for a weekend.
4. Take a walking journey through your city and every 15-20 feet draw a chalk arrow pointing in the direction you’re going. At the end of your trip, leave a big pile of chalk.
5. Act like you’ve never met and then loudly use lame pick up lines at a swanky bar. Pretend they worked.
6. Check out a minor league baseball game. Cheer for both teams and eat tons of Cracker Jacks.
7. Go to your local hardware store and pretend to look for sex “tools”. Act hesitant towards the ball peen hammer, screwdriver and other weirdly named objects. Ask fellow patrons if they hurt or cause permanent damage.
8. Do the lamest tourist thing in your city that you may have secretly wanted to do forever. Wear Hawaiian shirts, fanny packs and hang cameras around your necks.
9. Go to the park on a nice day and challenge all the kids and their parents to a massive game of Capture the Flag. You and your date should play on opposite teams and be as competitive as possible.
10. Grab a copy of your local newspaper or events magazine, close your eyes, run your finger over the “live music” section and choose a band neither of you have ever heard of. Go to the concert and make the most of whatever you get! You’ll either find a new amazing band to love… or you’ll end up seeing the band from hell and can have a good laugh.
Remember that no matter what you do, put a smile on your face and have fun! We’d love to hear your wackiest and most original spring date ideas!
True Story: The Devil Made Me Do It!
By Katie on 3 May 2011 | No Comments
The story I’m about to tell you is so humiliating, I have literally kept it a secret from everyone I’ve met for over ten years. It all 
started the week before my wedding. My future husband was calm, cool and collected while I was a nervous wreck. I had family coming that I hadn’t seen in years and none of them had seen the 12 tattoos I had acquired since then.
Derek, my fiancé, was and still is the sexiest man I have ever seen. We had only known each other six months before he proposed. Both of us like to say we knew we were meant to be together the first time we met. Our hormones were out of control and we did it anywhere and everywhere. You name it; we’d probably had sex there.
The wedding was quickly approaching and in order to relieve my stress, Derek would just tear my clothes off every time I started getting anxious. It worked very well, so leading up to our wedding we were having sex over five times a day. During the dress rehearsal at my parent’s church I got a little bit too drunk off the communal wine and tripped over the flower girl. I of course found this hilarious and my cousins had to drag me outside so I could calm down. I could see my parents making awkward apologies to the minister and I knew I’d never hear the end of this.
I immediately demanded to see my fiancé and when Derek emerged after calling for a 20 minute break, I grabbed his hand and we ran behind the church and burst into fits of laughter. This whole serious wedding business was just too much for us and we decided it was time to release some tension. Since our friends and family were at the front of the church likely shaking their heads in shame, we had the whole church to ourselves.
We climbed in through the basement window and discovered ourselves in a children’s Sunday school classroom. After passing a quick glance between each other, we knew doing it here would be inappropriate even by our standards. We crept through the church until we found a small office that looked perfectly suitable for what we were about to do.
Derek put his hand over my mouth to keep me from moaning and groaning in pleasure. We were acting like a couple of horny teenagers and in this moment, it really dawned on me just how happy and lucky I was. Right as I was about to express my pure love to Derek, the door opened and we heard a series of horrified gasps.
We turned around and found the minister and the very elderly organ lady staring with their mouths open at the sinful sight going on in front of their very eyes. Immediately the organ lady dropped to her knees and started mumbling prayers while the minister literally just thrust his arms in front of his face and apologized over and over again.
Finally the minister managed to drag the organ lady away while we fumbled to put on our clothes. We returned to the rehearsal on our best behavior and were relieved when neither the minister nor the organ lady shared our sordid tale with our families.
From that day on, Derek and I decided to be a bit more careful in choosing a location to express our lust for one another. We have been happily married for almost 11 years and have two beautiful children together!
Marianne, 31, Milwaukee, WI
Friday Night Date: Snag Yourself a Royal!
By jackie on 29 Apr 2011 | No Comments
If you’re anything like me, you were glued to the live streaming video of the Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton this morning. 
The dress! The hair! The hats! It’s a feast for the eyes and makes us wonder, if Kate Middleton can snag a future King, it can’t be that hard, can it? In honor of the new Royal couple, we want to provide you with the Top 5 Tips to Snag a Royal!
1. Change your name
This is highly important. Celebrities name their kids after fruit and superheroes, so if you want to change your name to what I’m about to suggest, do not let society bring you down. Here’s how you find your personal Royal name:
a) Lord / Lady
b) Your Grandmother or Grandfather’s first name on your mom’s side
c) Name of your first pet
d) Name of the first street you lived on.
This would make my official Royal name, “Lady Ethel Sugarplum of Belvidere.” See how classy that sounds?
2. Be Madonna
Remember how Madonna moved to England and suddenly acquired a British accent? You don’t have to move to Britain to use a fake accent so rent a copy of The Queen with Helen Mirren and mimic her voice everywhere you go.
3. Practice, practice, practice
There is nothing that showcases your degree of class more than the Royal wave. It sounds like it should be simple, but perfecting your wave takes practice. You must cup your hand in exactly the right angle and maintain a straight wrist while slowly twisting it back and forth. Find opportunities in your day to practice your wave with the peasants you are surrounded by. They will appreciate your remarkable dedication to this art.
4. Do your research
It’s your job to find out who is single in the Royal family and then research their entire life history as well as interests, basic stats and food preferences. These tidbits of knowledge will work to your advantage when you meet your Royal and need to make a positive and quick first impression: “Prince Harry, I am Lady Ethel Sugarplum of Belvidere, can I make you a raspberry crumpet with a side of tea, two sugars? I hear that’s your favorite.”
5. Blackmail
When in doubt, find some incriminating information on your desired Royal and blackmail yourself into a marriage.
We want to hear your Royal name! Would you ever date someone in the Royal family? Did you watch the wedding?
True Story: The One That (Almost) Got Away
By Katie on 27 Apr 2011 | No Comments
Back in high school, I was kind of a jerk. Well actually, I was a huge jerk and proud of it. My friends and I were good-looking, popular and could get any 
girl we wanted. During this time I befriended Layla, a girl who wore Indigo Girls t-shirts and listed Ellen DeGeneres as her personal hero. She became my lesbian BFF and I regaled her with tales of my conquests and personal details of the girls I banged, knowing she’d be impressed.
Sweet Lady Layla (as I liked to call her) would patiently listen and roll her eyes at all the right times. We spent hours together and she quickly became one of my favorite people in the world. There was nothing I couldn’t tell her and nothing that scared her away. She was the sexiest girl I’d ever seen and my imagination ran wild when I pictured her with other women. Whoever snagged Layla would be the luckiest girl in the world.
High school came and went and we went our separate ways for college. We kept in touch as best as we could but eventually lost contact after I went to Europe for a year. I missed her terribly every day and my sexual adventures just weren’t as exciting when I didn’t have her around to brag to. My life was actually pretty pathetic when I wasn’t constantly trying to impress Layla.
As the weeks, months and years passed, I thought about her more and more. I wondered where she was living, what she was doing and who she was doing. I started asking old friends if they knew where she was or how I could find her. Life without Layla just wasn’t the same and I needed her back.
Finally, I resorted to cyber stalking and struck gold. I found Layla after a basic search and learned that she had become a teacher. Her picture on her school’s website showed a woman that was even more gorgeous than I could have imagined. It was official: I was crushing on a lesbian and there was no way this could turn out well.
I sent her a cute little message saying if she’s ever in my area, she should give me a call. As luck would have it, she was in the process of moving to the city I was living in. I started daydreaming about how I could try to convert her to heterosexuality but knew I didn’t have much to offer. I moped around for days until she finally called to say she was moved in and excited to see me.
When I arrived at her apartment, I realized she was even more stunning than the picture suggested. We picked up right where we left off and I knew I was in trouble. This girl was just too amazing and perfect for me. I couldn’t move forward in life until I made a move on Layla and I braced myself for what would likely be the millionth slap to the face in my life.
“I know this is sudden and we haven’t seen each other in years, but I love you, Layla. I love you so much. I always have. You are the woman of my dreams and I know that you will make some other girl very happy one day but I just have to do this or I will never forgive myself,” and with that, I pulled her in and kissed her as passionately as I could.
To my absolute shock, she kissed me back! She grabbed my hair and kissed me hard. We made out for three hours before she finally pulled back, smiled slyly and said, “I was never a lesbian, Kevin. If you had ever actually let me speak during your endless tales of sluttiness you might have figured that out by now”.
I was stunned. I picked her up, threw her over my shoulder and carried her to the bedroom where she proved once and for all that she knew how to please a man. Five years later, we are still together and we can’t wait to tell the grandkids about how I single-handedly turned their grandmother into a heterosexual. Well, at least that’s how I plan to tell it!
Kevin, 32, Portland, OR
True Story: The Double Dipper
By Katie on 19 Apr 2011 | No Comments
After five years of disappointing online dating encounters, I was losing hope that my dreams of finding a Ryan Reynolds lookalike that was also a gourmet 
chef and masseuse were ever going to come true. Just as I was about to click “Yes” to the “Are you sure you want to delete your profile?” question, a message popped up from a guy called “DanceLikeNoOnesWatching.” Since that was my personal motto in life, I figured I’d give this online dating thing one more chance.
His real name was Javier and he was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was tall, handsome, had the bluest eyes I’d ever seen and actually used proper punctuation in his messages. He lived about three hours away in Chicago but started coming to visit me every other weekend. We would spend hours just lying in bed, making love and gazing into each other’s eyes.
After nearly six months of bliss, Javier came to me with some disappointing news. His job was taking him to Texas for three months and he would be unreachable. I should have asked myself how one could be unreachable in Texas in this age of wireless internet but he was an accountant, so maybe they need solitude to crunch numbers.
While he was gone, I spent a lot of time moping and stressing about what he was doing out there in Texas all alone. Maybe he wasn’t alone. I imagined some big busted southern belle stealing his heart and feared he would never return to me. I wrote a bunch of sad poetry and cried to my friends on the phone every night. It was pathetic and I knew it.
Finally, Javier returned! I knew the date he was coming back and decided to wait for him to call me. He didn’t. After some coaxing from my friends, I waited three days and gave him a call. He was thrilled to hear from me and asked if he could see me that night. I was so relieved I did cartwheels. I spent two hours making myself look smoking hot and when Javier laid eyes on me, I knew this was the real deal.
We had a great night and spent the next week stuck to each other like glue. I finally worked up the nerve to ask how his trip to Texas had been and why he had been unreachable. I should have never asked.
Javier then told me about Leanne. He met her a year ago on the same site as us and she had moved to Texas shortly after. He said, and I quote, “She is the most beautiful woman in the entire world and I loved her very much.” After my heart started beating again, I asked what happened. He told me that she had gained 30 pounds since she moved and had developed some kind of heat rash that he found repulsive. He advised me that as soon as he got down there, he realized it was a good thing he had left me on the hook waiting for him.
Because he is such a “nice guy” (his words, NOT mine), he stayed the entire three months and let Leanne cook and clean up after him while he lay around the pool all day. On the final day, he told her he had a girlfriend back in Indiana and thanks for the vacation. He ended his story by saying “So now that I don’t have all the stress of dating two girls, I can really focus on us.”
My mouth hung open and I threw my glass of wine in his face before storming out. He sent me countless emails asking what my problem was and calling me a tease.
I can look back now and laugh because if it weren’t for Javier, I would have never deleted all of my online profiles and tried finding love in the real world! I met a great guy at a friend’s party and we’ve been happily dating ever since.
Melanie, 27, Indianapolis, IN
Friday Night Date: How NOT To Get Laid
By jackie on 15 Apr 2011 | No Comments
Let’s face it, the internet is filled with tips and tricks for girls and guys to use to get laid. This is great for most days, but what if you have an exam to study 
for or you just flat out aren’t interested? It’s hard to tell someone nicely that you don’t want to have sex with them so if you don’t want to look like a jerk, here are a few simple things you can do that won’t hurt anyone’s feelings and are sure to send the person running.
1. Do not wear pants
Be the guy that doesn’t wear pants. You’re too cool for pants and everyone should know it. Make sure you wear underwear with cartoons on it and the more ripped they are, the better.
2. Ask for money
If someone is coming on too strong, just ask them for $500.00 and say you need to pay off your “guy.” Before they even ask, insist that the money isn’t for drugs and say things like “You don’t know me! You don’t know the things I’ve seen!”
3. Masturbation Addiction
This is an actual medical condition but also can be used to turn off potential sex partners. It’s best to admit as quickly as possible that you have an addiction to masturbation and need to excuse yourself every 10 minutes. Ask them if they mind being used as your “inspiration”.
4. Sex = Death
This one’s simple. When someone is trying to get frisky with you, just say “Great, here we go again! Why does sex always have to end in murder? I was just starting to like you.”
5. Only refer to the person as “Mommy”
This works for guys and girls. Calling a guy “Mommy” is sure to kill any boner. It’s creepy, it doesn’t make sense and it conjures up all sorts of disturbing images that are sure to make anyone run in the opposite direction.
6. Carry pictures of disturbing diseases and brag that you have them all
Find graphic pictures of weird rashes, growths and other disgusting body ailments. Bring them with you everywhere you go and always be quick to pull them out and show them off like they were pictures of your kids.
7. Condom talk
Mention that you don’t believe in condoms and insist that after sleeping with over 200 people and never using a condom, you’ve only ever experienced “minor” problems as a result. Try and start a discussion on “condom recycling” and see where that goes.
8. Pick your nose
This is an old classic that never fails. There is something really nasty about people who consistently and exuberantly pick their nose on a regular basis. The more you do it and the harder you pick, the higher your chances are of disgusting anyone in a five mile radius.
9. Pregnancy pact
Tell the guy hitting on you that you’re currently a participant in an agreement with a bunch of other girls to get pregnant in the next week.
10. “Sorry, I had my genitals removed at birth”
Enough said.
Have a great weekend, hotties!
True Story: You Want Me To Do WHAT?!
By Katie on 12 Apr 2011 | No Comments
When I was in grade nine I had no friends and the only person who reached out to me was Karl or “Big Gay Karl” as he liked to be called. We became 
inseparable and the entire school ignored us. Karl and I both went to the same university and then moved to a disturbingly small loft in New York City together after we graduated. We were living the dream.
My love life up to this point had been lackluster to say the least. I hadn’t kissed a guy since grade seven. After a couple years of being single in the city, Karl decided he’d had enough and it was time for us to find boyfriends. I would have been quite happy avoiding this whole thing altogether but Karl was being stubborn and I eventually gave in.
Naturally, as two former outcasts, our great quest for romance was done from the futon in our pajamas. Thank you, internet dating! I set up a profile for Karl and Karl set up a profile for me. We figured since we probably knew more about each other than we knew about ourselves, this was our best option. For weeks we both sat on opposite ends of the futon giggling and messaging people but not telling the other what we were doing. We gave ourselves 30 days to find the perfect date.
The guy I set Karl up with was fabulous, and I mean fabulous. After they got back from their date, I swear Karl had stars in his eyes. I patted myself on the back and begged Karl to tell me more about the date he had set up for me. He wouldn’t budge but said I would be “pleasantly surprised”. I tried very hard not to overanalyze that statement and just wait patiently for the date.
He arrived at 7 p.m. on the dot in a Jaguar and introduced himself as Drew. He looked like a movie star and acted like one too. He opened doors for me, was so polite and kind to the waiters at the restaurant and I’m pretty sure everybody we passed fell in love with him too. I was instantly smitten and felt like I was walking around in a dream. Did Karl and I really both luck out on our first tries?? I started to get a bit concerned that this was too good to be true. Why was a guy like this using the internet to find a girlfriend? He could have any woman he wanted.
I pushed those nasty thoughts out of my head and focused on our date. Drew and I ate, drank and danced the night away. When it was time to go, he called someone to come pick up his car and someone else to drive us home. I felt like a princess and was literally floating on cloud nine as he took my hand and gently escorted me out of the car.
He walked me to my door and just as I was fantasizing about our future wedding and adorable children, everything changed. Drew smiled mischievously and leaned in close to whisper in my ear. Butterflies exploded in my stomach and I held my breath while I waited to hear him profess his love.
Instead, Drew said, “I can’t tell you how great it is to meet a girl who is willing to fulfill my fantasy. Have you peed on many guys before?” I stumbled back in shock and was suddenly overcome with uncontrollable nausea. I vomited all over myself and instead of running away in disgust, Drew said, “Wow, you really are as kinky as your ad said! Why don’t you throw a bit of that my way?”
I turned and ran up the stairs as Drew looked on bewildered. He called me ten times a day for the next two weeks begging me to do all sorts of disgusting things to him. Karl naturally thought this was all so hilarious and apologized for not taking it seriously. To this day, every time I hear the word “pee”, I want to throw up.
Kelly, 24, New York City
