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Dating Advice: I don’t wanna be in his sister’s wedding!

By Katie on 25 November 2009  |  5 Comments

Dear Susie,

My boyfriend’s sister is getting married next summer and she asked me to be in her wedding party. I have no idea why, though, because we’re not even friends. She is cold and stand-offish towards me at family gatherings and I’m always amazed that she and my awesome boyfriend come from the same gene pool. Do I tell my boyfriend that I don’t want to be in his sister’s wedding? Is there any way at all that I could get out of this dreadful obligation?

Save me from this bridesmaid Hell!

Monica, New York, NY

Here’s the short answer, Monica: If you want to keep dating your boyfriend, the only way you can shirk this gig is if you’re giving birth, undergoing emergency surgery, or dead on the day of his sister’s wedding. Depending on how serious you and your honey are, you might be part of this family one day, so you don’t want to go around hurting people’s feelings and stirring up drama.

You’re right that in this situation, it feels more like a duty than an honor to be part of someone’s special day. But there are times in life when we suck it up and do things not for ourselves, but for the people whom we love and care about. You can tell your boyfriend that you were surprised that his sister chose you as a bridesmaid, since you don’t feel very close with her, but it might upset him or cause some awkwardness if you just blurt out that you don’t like her and would rather drag razorblades across your eyeballs than be in her wedding party.

I tend to concentrate on the positive in these situations. There will likely be showers, a Stag and Doe, a bachelorette bash, and maybe even a lingerie party between now and the dreaded wedding. These gatherings will give you ample opportunity to spend more time with the bride-to-be and hopefully you’ll get to know each other better. Put the focus on her and ask wedding-related questions to break the ice and spark conversation: “Have you picked out flowers yet?” or “I heard you bought your dress?” or “Can you believe the wedding is only a month away?”

If you make small efforts like this and you feel that she is still aloof and not interested in getting to know you better, then at least you’ll know that you tried and that she’s the one with issues. Once the wedding formalities are over, you have the freedom to avoid hanging out with her. Hopefully, though, her picking you as a bridesmaid is a sign that she does want to get to know you better and become closer.

Do you agree with Susie’s advice? Would you stand-up in someone’s wedding, even if you didn’t like the bride?

5 Comments

1. By aoconc on 25 November 2009

   Hi all,

   I totally agree with Susie. I had this family xmas party once and my ex gf didn’t want to go because she “didn’t know” my family. What best opportunity then?

   At the end she did not go and I still remember that as a discourtesy of her.

2. By navyjenn30 on 25 November 2009

   I somewhat agree with the advice. The sister might be asking you as a favor to the brother too. Let’s just hope if you do decide to standup you dont have to put up with a bridezilla.

3. By Cheddarshredder on 26 November 2009

   Disagree would be un understatement, but I understand why you would say this things in response. This is the kind of mentality we have been ground into time and time again, ‘this is how life is, just deal with it,’ but allowing yourself to be dragged along by it will only foster resentlent and deepen the rift between you and your boyfriend’s sister, and maybe even your boyfriend himself.

   First, accept that you don’t want to and that you are allowed to make that choice and forgive yourself for it. Then examine the reasons that you don’t want to, being completely honest with yourself and ask yourself what it is going to cost you to skip the wedding, and what it would cost you to go along and fulfill both your man’s wish, and his sister’s. Compare this what what you stand to gain, both by being honest with your boyfriend and not going, and by going along and making him and her happy, maybe forging better realtions with his family, and getting to show just what you will do for the person you love.

   I think you’ll find the only thing stoping from wanting to go is fear, maybe fear of not understanding why you were asked, or because you just think she doesn’t like you, or that you will be out of place and isolated, or a dozen other less obvious possibilities. When you can recognise this you can choose weather you actually want to do it at all, you can choose to do it for /yourself/, not because you feel you ‘have’ to, because if you’re honest with yourself you don’t have to at all, you’re just choosing to do it for the wrong reasons.

   Honesty, evaluation, choice. It’s a simple (but by no means easy) way of living a better and more fulfilling life.

4. By kittysteff on 26 November 2009

   I totally agree, one hundred percent!! Very good advice. Keep looking on the sunny side of things, lifes too short not too!

5. By wusher247 on 3 December 2009

   I agree with Cheddarshredder on this one. It’s important to establish boundaries in life. If her boyfriend holds it against her, then he’s not secure enough to be in a relationship, especially if he knows the current status of the relationship between the two of them. Of course it doesn’t mean that if she sees this as an opportunity to develop a positive relationship, that she can’t do it in that light, but to do it just to appease the boyfriend is the wrong approach, because it will ultimately lead to resentment towards him, even though she made the choice to be in the wedding to make the situation easier on him in the immediate moment.