Archive for the ‘Sex & Relationships’ Category
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Monday, January 23rd, 2012
It is possible to find love on HOT or NOT! Kristina did and she sent us the following email:
Back in 2006, I met Rob on Hot or Not and we chatted for a while before we met in person. Our relationship blossomed into a great friendship, which turned into a great relationship, official March 2007. We tempered an Iraq war deployment for a whole year in 2008-2009. We moved in together in 2009 after his release from the US Army, and are now engaged to be married July 27, 2012 in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. If it hadn’t been for Hot or Not, we would not even know about the other’s existence. Thank you, Hot or Not!
Aww, that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Congratulations to you both.
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Wednesday, January 18th, 2012
So you’ve heard of this “internet” thing right? There are a lot of people doing a lot of weird stuff on here and this week we found some real winners who use dating sites or classifieds to try and score sex. Instead of just paying for a hooker or gigolo like regular people, these folks simply try to barter whatever they happen to have lying around. Here is the Top 5 Craziest Things People Have Tried To Trade Sex For (sadly, these are all completely real)!
1. A man in Texas tried to entice women to his lair by offering World of Warcraft coins. So basically, you’re a video game nerd and the only currency you know of is WoW coins. I’m sure he thought he was offering the equivalent of a crate full of diamonds, but I suspect he didn’t have much luck.
2. There’s a lady in Montana who is out there right now practically giving away tickets to see a giant panda and all she asks is that you look past her 500 pound frame and call her “Kung Fu Panda” while she makes love to you. We’d like to know what the giant panda gets out of all this.
3. If you have ever thought to yourself, “Hey, I think I’d like to get herpes today,” then do we have a woman for you! She lives in Washington D.C. and she is ready to share. She will have sex with you and in return, you run the risk of getting herpes! Frankly, this is a win-win situation for everybody and I don’t know how anybody could turn this opportunity down.
4. A guy in New Jersey – let’s call him “Mr. X” – will offer you tax advice in exchange for sex! He did include a disclaimer clearly stating that he will not in fact DO your taxes. He just offers advice. We’re not sure if he’s actually a tax specialist or accountant of any kind but there is nothing hotter than discussing Annualized Income Installment Methods and Deductibles while having sex.
5. Sex tends to work best on a full stomach and after a good round of love-making you are probably ready for a yummy snack. Thanks to a man in California, you can now experience the best of both worlds. After you have sex with him, he will cook you a bathtub full of Ramen noodles. We think this has the makings of a perfect afternoon but what we really want to know is what flavor of Ramen noodles?
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Monday, June 20th, 2011
Celebrities are a funny bunch. They complain about being in the spotlight but then sell their stories to the gossip magazines. The one thing they all 
seem to have in common is their lack of sustaining a relationship for more than a few hours. Sure, they may not be “experts” in dating, but they do say some pretty funny things about it!
“I prefer ordinary girls – you know, college students, waitresses, that sort of thing. Most of the girls I go out with are just good friends. Just because I go out to the cinema with a girl, it doesn’t mean we are dating.” – Leonardo DiCaprio
“Being married means I can [break wind] and eat ice cream in bed.” – Brad Pitt
“I don’t understand the whole dating thing. I know right off the bat if I’m interested in someone, and I don’t want them to waste their money on me and take me out to eat if I know I’m not interested in that person.” – Britney Spears
“I want my audience to know me for my work, not because of who I’m dating or what drugs I’m on or what club I went to.” - Shia LaBeouf
“I was dating this guy and we would spend all day text messaging each other. And he thought that he could tell that he liked me more because he actually spelt the word ‘YOU’ and I just put the letter ‘U’.” – Kelly Osbourne
“I’m not very experienced with boys or the whole dating thingy.” – Vanessa Hudgens (who got into some trouble after naked pictures of her were released all over the internet)
“My mom is going to kill me for talking about sleeping with people. But I don’t want to put myself in the position where I’m in a monogamous relationship right now. I’m not dating just one person. ‘Sex and the City’ changed everything for me because those girls would sleep with so many people.” – Lindsay Lohan
“My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.” – Jenny McCarthy
“Dating is just awkward moments and one person wants more than the other. It’s just that constant strangeness. I think it’s a very real thing.” - Jason Schwartzman
“I think more dating stuff is scheduling – it’s needing people who understand your work schedule.” – Jennifer Love Hewitt
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Tuesday, May 31st, 2011
After I graduated from high school I said, “No thank you,” to college and went directly to the big city to start living the real life. The first night in my new 
apartment was confusing and scary but my anxiety quickly dissipated when I saw the girl from 6B. I of course was living in 6C so right away I knew we had a connection. She glanced at me with bored eyes as I hauled some boxes up the stairs and if I did have any balls, they immediately jumped up inside of me as soon as I saw her.
Days and weeks passed and I still couldn’t bring myself to talk to 6B. She pretended I didn’t exist, or maybe she didn’t actually know I existed. She was flat out driving me insane and I could hardly concentrate at my job waiting tables. I kept sending steak to the vegetarians and giving salad to the lumberjacks foaming at the mouth for their red meat. It was a disaster and a wonder I didn’t get fired.
After three weeks, I decided it was time to make a move. I went on my computer and wrote a long heartfelt letter to 6B. The way in which her eyes sparkled like diamonds and her hair shone like the first piece of gold discovered by a miner. I said some other stuff too but it’s far too embarrassing to repeat here (I think I compared her to the Little Mermaid or something).
I signed the letter as “Your secret admirer,” and slipped it under her door. For the next three months every single night I would slip another anonymous letter under her door and hope and pray for the day she would burst into my apartment and lunge herself into my open arms. This fantasy alone kept me entertained for hours on end.
Every time I saw her, she would do that thing where she’d pretend she had no idea who I was but deep down I knew she was feeling something for me. Maybe she couldn’t explain it to herself and didn’t recognize what true love felt like. I smiled to myself knowing that one day it would all work out.
Finally, the moment I was waiting for happened. Though it was absolutely nothing like what I had imagined in my head a million times before. I had been drinking one Saturday night and wrote what would be my final letter to 6B. In the letter, I admitted that I used to masturbate to cartoons and that I wet my pants up until the age of 15. I poured out my heart to her as one final attempt at winning her affections or at least her attention.
I heard some music coming from 6B and so I very carefully slipped the letter under the door and started to tip toe back to my apartment. Suddenly, the door swung open and there she was. Her eyes were wild with rage and she exclaimed, “I knew you were the ugly little creep that kept leaving me these!”
My heart sunk. As she spoke, about 20 people gathered behind her. It seemed like each of them were holding some of my letters. In fact, her apartment was strewn with my letters and all of her friends laughing over them. I stood in drunken shock as she picked up my latest masterpiece and read it loud enough for the entire building to hear.
“Listen you freak, you are a disgusting loser and I wouldn’t date you even if someone paid me a million dollars. Leave me alone,” she said.
So I did. I moved out the next day and never tried to contact 6B again. Thanks to a pure miracle, I met a great girl at work and we’ve been together ever since. She thinks what I did was “sweet, and not at all terrifying”, which I know she is just saying to be nice but I’ll take whatever I can get.
Brian, 21, Chicago, IL
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Friday, May 27th, 2011
Have you ever been in the emergency room and thought to yourself, “Boy that girl with the fork in her eye is gorgeous, I wonder if I should go for it?” It seems like a good idea at the time but in reality, she probably has more important things on her mind and might not be thinking about how cute your broken leg looks. Here are the Top 5 Places You Do NOT Want to Try and Get a Date!
1. A funeral
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. All that black clothing is sexy and hard to resist but using your best pick up lines on someone who just lost their favorite third cousin is inappropriate. Instead, be subtle and try and find out who they are and whether or not they are related to you. Once a few weeks have passed, look them up and then make your move.
2. A job interview
We’ve all been there. We walk in for a job interview and the human resources guy or girl is unbelievably gorgeous. They start talking and they are so friendly. You might think they are flirting with you, but they are not. I don’t care how much they compliment your “written and oral skills”, do not try to hit on this person. Wait until you get the job and spend the next six months slowly wooing your way into their heart.
3. Strip club
This one is pretty obvious but I know how romantic strip clubs can get and how the urge to make a real love connection with someone can be overwhelming. All that nudity is bought and paid for so do not fool yourself into thinking they really like you. Unfortunately they don’t. However, you could find out where they do their grocery shopping and casually bump into them there.
4. A free clinic
You may be able to convince yourself that the Brad Pitt lookalike is probably only there because of a simple cold or flu but is it worth the risk? There are a million reasons why people would go to a free clinic and not all of them are good. In fact, I’d say nobody even goes to the free clinic unless they are diseased or sick in some way. Just think of the free clinic or any doctor’s office as toxic territory for dating.
5. Driving
Not only are the chances of you building a long term relationship with the hottie who has Texas license plates very slim but trying to hit on someone while driving is extremely dangerous. Keep your eyes on the road and do not avert them for ANY reason. I don’t care who it is or what they’re doing. Safety first, people. If you like the idea of dating someone who can drive hit up the DMV waiting room and go crazy!
Where is the worst place someone has tried to hit on you? Have you ever hit on someone somewhere you probably shouldn’t have?
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Tuesday, May 24th, 2011
I will never forget Christy. We met in high school and dated all through college and probably could have spent our entire lives together. It was only after a 
slightly humiliating experience that we started to have problems in our relationship which led to our eventual break up. I studied psychology in school and I know that after such a traumatic event, the chance of Christy and me breaking up skyrocketed.
We’d been dating for almost five years when “all the evil happened”. After a long dry sex spell, we had rekindled our passion and were humping like rabid squirrels. There was nothing that could stand in our way once the hormones started to surge. The night it all went wrong should have been the best night of our lives.
Our friends were throwing a massive graduation party and Christy got wasted. She just found out she was accepted into her top choice for medical school and I told her she deserved to celebrate. I would be the dreaded designated driver. There wasn’t a surface she didn’t try to climb up and dance on. Couches, chairs, tables and even a piano were grinded on by Christy throughout the night and after a few hours of trying to repress an erection from watching her, I finally convinced her it was time to go.
We got in my car and she proceeded to grind against the seat and mocked giving a blow job to the parking break. Enough is enough, I thought. “Why don’t you put that mouth to good use and suck on something that will actually enjoy it,” I said.
Christy screeched in delight and immediately started unzipping my pants. A quick glance towards the empty highway calmed any potential fears I might have had though looking back we both should have kept our mouths shut that night.
All rational thought was dissolved as Christy took every inch of me in her mouth. She was the only girl that had ever done this to me so I really had nothing to compare it to but I swear she was some kind of prodigy. There’s no way anyone could do any better at this. I moaned and groaned and started to get distracted by the intense pleasure.
After about ten minutes I knew I was getting close to orgasm and let Christy know. I decided to pull over so that the only thing exploding would be my dick and not the gas truck up ahead. I closed my eyes and leaned back while Christy led me to ecstasy.
Suddenly a loud tapping noise broke me of my trance. Someone was at the window. I tried to lure Christy away from my dick but it was too late. I ejaculated all over her mouth and myself. “Get out of your vehicle slowly and with your hands in the air,” a booming voice at the window yelled.
I won’t go into the gory details of the next several minutes as it involved us being arrested with cum all over Christy’s mortified face and the remainder dribbled down my bare legs while my pants hung around my ankles. Christy’s mug shot was later posted all over the internet and we both had to make a statement in front of a judge.
We tried to make our relationship work after that but it was all just too much for Christy. I heard she moved to Canada and became a nun. To this day every time I drive by our “spot” on the highway, my penis winks and smiles…
Les, 28, Pittsburgh, PA
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Friday, May 20th, 2011
Alright, hotties it’s that time again! In the brilliant words of Rebecca Black, “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.” Did I just get that song stuck in 
your head? Sorry about that. If you are planning to hit the clubs this weekend and are bracing yourself for the drunken party goers throwing pick-up lines your way, we are here to help! We present to you our Top 10 Worst Pick Up Lines (With Feisty Comebacks!) Part 4!
THEM: “Did it hurt when you fell out of Heaven?”
YOU: “Nowhere near as bad as your fall to Planet Rejection will.”
THEM: “You must clean your clothes with Windex because I can see myself in your pants.”
YOU: “No, but you may want to invest in some Windex yourself since your view is seriously cloudy.”
THEM: “It’s your lucky day! Out of all the girls in this room, I picked you to talk to!”
YOU: “Wow what a coincidence! It’s your lucky day too! Out of all the ways I could humiliate you right now, I’m simply going to walk away.”
THEM: “Help the homeless by taking me home with you.”
YOU: “I don’t bring home strays that appear to have rabies. The pound might take you.”
THEM: “You might as well sleep with me, I’m going to tell my friends you did anyway.”
YOU: “I wonder who will be more embarrassed – me for sleeping with a loser like you or you, after I tell everyone you gave me herpes?”
THEM: “Take me to where you cry at night. I want to experience your pain and turn it into pleasure.”
YOU: “Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up the only person you are going home with.”
THEM: “Hey, you could do worse, I still have a pulse. Wait… Wait… Yep, still there.”
YOU: “I really would love to screw your brains out but clearly someone has already beaten me to it.”
THEM: “Hi, my name is Doug. That’s ‘God’ spelled backwards with a little bit of YOU wrapped up in it.”
YOU: “So what you’re saying is, out of 100,000 sperm you were the fastest?!”
THEM: “Wanna play train? I can sit on your face and you can CHEW CHEW.”
YOU: “Sorry, I’ll be “getting off” at the next station.”
We always love to hear your best and worst dating stories! What’s the worst pick up line you’ve ever heard? How do you respond?
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Tuesday, May 10th, 2011
I am writing this story from a bed at the hospital following the most horrifying night of my entire life. As humiliating as it was, I had to write it down this 
moment so that I would never forget every sordid detail.
My boyfriend Indy and I have been together almost six months. We lost our virginity to one another exactly a month ago and we decided to celebrate our one month “Sex-iversary” by experimenting with different sex positions and maybe incorporating some toys into the bedroom. Each of us had to come up with one fantasy we wanted to act out and we had to do it that night, no matter what.
Mine was pretty simple. I wanted to be tied up and blindfolded while Indy did whatever he wanted with me. This went over very well and a couple hours later, we were both exhausted and panting. After a quick shower and snack we headed back to the bedroom to act out Indy’s ultimate fantasy.
As I watched him pull out assorted fruits and vegetables, I began to worry just a little. There was a strawberry, a carrot, a banana, and finally, a gigantic cucumber. I looked at Indy and he grinned. I took a deep breath and said, “Alright, let’s do this”.
He started with the strawberry and it felt cold. According to Indy, the carrot made me taste “weird” down there so we scrapped that fast. Next came the banana and I have to admit, it felt pretty good. I was starting to get pretty turned on so I encouraged Indy to put a condom on that cucumber and go for it. At first it hurt but soon it turned into pure pleasure.
I kept telling Indy to shove it in further and he would express concern that it would hurt me. I scoffed and told him to be a man and put the whole thing in there.
With hands shaking, lips trembling and a single bead of sweat dripping down his forehead, Indy slowly pushed the cucumber all the way inside me and all of a sudden, I felt like someone had just shoved a football up me.
“Oh crap, I think it slid all the way in and um, I can’t see it,” Indy said. I screeched and jumped off the bed. I stood with my legs spread apart, grimacing in pain and wondered how to push something out of my vagina. The fear took over and I began to hyperventilate imagining myself giving birth to cucumbers for the rest of my life.
Indy panicked and called 911. We rode to the hospital as I quietly wept in shame and Indy asked the paramedics if he could go to jail for this. I don’t remember very much after that as they heavily doped me up to remove the cucumber. They asked if we wanted to keep it as a souvenir but we politely declined.
Fortunately, there was no permanent damage and Indy’s on his way to pick me up right now and take me home to rest. Actually, he’s walking in right now and is that a zucchini the size of my head he’s holding?! Oh dear, this can’t be good…
Katarina, 21, Miami, FL
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Friday, May 6th, 2011
Finally it’s starting to feel a little bit like spring out there! The birds and bees are out there doing it and we think you should be, too. The picnic and 
leisurely bike ride thing is overdone and such a cliché. If you really want to get the most action this spring, you need to think outside the box! We’ve compiled the Top 10 Spring Date Ideas that are sure to impress your latest crush or rekindle the passion with a longtime lover.
1. Set your alarm to get you up in the middle of the night, drive to the beach and wait for the sun to rise. Bring breakfast and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
2. Play Hide and Seek at Walmart. Advise shoppers passing by to pretend they didn’t see you and to never speak of this to anyone.
3. Go to the airport, find the cheapest flight to anywhere and stay there for a weekend.
4. Take a walking journey through your city and every 15-20 feet draw a chalk arrow pointing in the direction you’re going. At the end of your trip, leave a big pile of chalk.
5. Act like you’ve never met and then loudly use lame pick up lines at a swanky bar. Pretend they worked.
6. Check out a minor league baseball game. Cheer for both teams and eat tons of Cracker Jacks.
7. Go to your local hardware store and pretend to look for sex “tools”. Act hesitant towards the ball peen hammer, screwdriver and other weirdly named objects. Ask fellow patrons if they hurt or cause permanent damage.
8. Do the lamest tourist thing in your city that you may have secretly wanted to do forever. Wear Hawaiian shirts, fanny packs and hang cameras around your necks.
9. Go to the park on a nice day and challenge all the kids and their parents to a massive game of Capture the Flag. You and your date should play on opposite teams and be as competitive as possible.
10. Grab a copy of your local newspaper or events magazine, close your eyes, run your finger over the “live music” section and choose a band neither of you have ever heard of. Go to the concert and make the most of whatever you get! You’ll either find a new amazing band to love… or you’ll end up seeing the band from hell and can have a good laugh.
Remember that no matter what you do, put a smile on your face and have fun! We’d love to hear your wackiest and most original spring date ideas!
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Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011
The story I’m about to tell you is so humiliating, I have literally kept it a secret from everyone I’ve met for over ten years. It all 
started the week before my wedding. My future husband was calm, cool and collected while I was a nervous wreck. I had family coming that I hadn’t seen in years and none of them had seen the 12 tattoos I had acquired since then.
Derek, my fiancé, was and still is the sexiest man I have ever seen. We had only known each other six months before he proposed. Both of us like to say we knew we were meant to be together the first time we met. Our hormones were out of control and we did it anywhere and everywhere. You name it; we’d probably had sex there.
The wedding was quickly approaching and in order to relieve my stress, Derek would just tear my clothes off every time I started getting anxious. It worked very well, so leading up to our wedding we were having sex over five times a day. During the dress rehearsal at my parent’s church I got a little bit too drunk off the communal wine and tripped over the flower girl. I of course found this hilarious and my cousins had to drag me outside so I could calm down. I could see my parents making awkward apologies to the minister and I knew I’d never hear the end of this.
I immediately demanded to see my fiancé and when Derek emerged after calling for a 20 minute break, I grabbed his hand and we ran behind the church and burst into fits of laughter. This whole serious wedding business was just too much for us and we decided it was time to release some tension. Since our friends and family were at the front of the church likely shaking their heads in shame, we had the whole church to ourselves.
We climbed in through the basement window and discovered ourselves in a children’s Sunday school classroom. After passing a quick glance between each other, we knew doing it here would be inappropriate even by our standards. We crept through the church until we found a small office that looked perfectly suitable for what we were about to do.
Derek put his hand over my mouth to keep me from moaning and groaning in pleasure. We were acting like a couple of horny teenagers and in this moment, it really dawned on me just how happy and lucky I was. Right as I was about to express my pure love to Derek, the door opened and we heard a series of horrified gasps.
We turned around and found the minister and the very elderly organ lady staring with their mouths open at the sinful sight going on in front of their very eyes. Immediately the organ lady dropped to her knees and started mumbling prayers while the minister literally just thrust his arms in front of his face and apologized over and over again.
Finally the minister managed to drag the organ lady away while we fumbled to put on our clothes. We returned to the rehearsal on our best behavior and were relieved when neither the minister nor the organ lady shared our sordid tale with our families.
From that day on, Derek and I decided to be a bit more careful in choosing a location to express our lust for one another. We have been happily married for almost 11 years and have two beautiful children together!
Marianne, 31, Milwaukee, WI
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